I will never get this post done, unless I start writing it.
I have spent the past 2 months or so badly wanting to come up with another blog entry, but I felt like my words are just as lifeless as I was already becoming. I have already put up polls more than a month ago on my Instagram Stories to hopefully aid me in a post I wanted to write which was about ministry: what it is, what it is not and touch on its importance in our Christian growth. To be honest, I started writing it, but I could never end it. I could never come up with words to add at least a second paragraph. It's difficult, so difficult when there's emptiness but I still want to pour into others. Slowly, I am losing the glow, the excitement and the fun in blogging-- only to realize that what I perhaps needed was a rest from the ordinary so I can draw nearer to the Extraordinary.
Vulnerability has power, and as much as I believe that there should be a limit into what we share with others, I am also one to tell you that being vulnerable is one of the strength we can tap on when our weaknesses start to kick in. The past 2 months have been crippling. I struggled with the perception that everything is over; that this isn't going to get anywhere near good. The jerks always have it their way and what's worse is that they can laugh about it like heck "we don't care!". They come up with false narratives about you and your family and even have the courage to twist the story for their own good. Take note: they wouldn't even pause to re-think about the words they carelessly spit on/about you. When you confront them because you didn't like the words they've thrown at you, they all the more confirm that what you heard was right. If they say you're stupid, there should be no doubt that you are because they will never take their words back.
I am sorry for being too honest with my words but I won't lie here, this kind of scenario happens to anyone and can happen ANYWHERE. With regards to that, my faith has hit rock bottom since my family faced that very scenario more than 2 months ago. I won't disclose the details very much, but this truly stressed every living cell in my body.
Since then I have had a huge disconnect from everyone. From the people I knew...people I cared for: my friends, my family and even God. I just did not feel strong enough and I'd often hear a voice telling me to give up. I couldn't even come up with a new blog entry, an inspiring Instagram post and whatever a "blogger" ought to do. I know this sounds crazy, but I wasn't living life like I was one who believed in God and knew He was powerful enough to change everything in an instant.
Yesterday, we went to church and as the worship team sang the lyrics "When the music fades, all is stripped away and I simply come", every hidden feeling I had before God just kept coming back at me, and I realized that I was basing on my emotions too much that God didn't have the space to reveal Himself to me. I had my walls up too high that no one could enter. The song progressed to "It's all about you, it's all about you, Jesus." Girl, that was a reality check for me out there. My emotions, after all, aren't a reliable indicator of what or how God is going to be like. Had I been in awesome happenings then I would've said that God must've done something right. Whereas failure approached me, I would've blamed God for sadly missing my aim. Reality is, God is God no matter what I was facing in life; no matter what words people use to label me or my family. The enemy can only do so much to distract us, but it is only when we give him a foothold that his plans will be accomplished.
The next two songs sang at worship yesterday was King of my Heart and Reckless Love. Every word just confirmed God's goodness and love that we can all hang on to and rest on when we're weary and heavy laden. You're never gonna let me down. The pastor then came up on stage and spoke about rest: how we can never really get genuine rest unless we rest on Jesus' work and what He has ALREADY done for us. In the end, it's not about me and what I feel. It's about Jesus who has laid down even His life so I can lay mine on Him.
We often neglect the importance of rest in our lives as Christians that we go around looking for solutions to our everyday problems and defining what we're worth based on what people say and think. It is incredibly easy to get swayed by our emotions that we let it take the lead in most of our decisions. I for one always end up depressed when I do not understand what's happening or when I do not get the answers I want. One thing we must be doing instead, is to lay our arms down and rest in God's promises of deliverance for us. Rest is good and a must. As they say: Rest if you must, but don't you quit!
So to speak, my signal with God may have gotten choppy the past months when my life was filled with so much craziness I don't even want to look back to, but as the lyrics of the song Reckless Love says,"He chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine." There is no way I could earn or deserve His love but He loves me anyway. All the lies? He'll tear them down. As for now, Jesus is my main thing. And the main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing.
P.S. Three famous people were headlines of the news this week for committing suicide! The rate is getting higher!! May we always be sensitive towards the feelings of those around us. Let's be careful with the words we say and aid those who need help and encouragement. We can only do so little, but it is enough to comfort aching hearts and bruised emotions.
P.P.S. I hope to get back into writing more soon and that includes the post about ministry as well. For now, I hope this update will do 😊.
Thanks for making it to this portion of the internet. I am truly grateful for each one of you for reading my entries! Most of what I've written here are unspoken words — words I wish I could've said or shared with anyone in person but has remained in my heart until I was able to write it in here.
My life's full of downs than ups, but through it all, I have seen and tasted the sweetness of God's grace and love. With that, I can tell you with a convinced heart that God is faithful, He is good and He never runs out of love for you and for me. Hope you enjoy your read(s)!
Rest if you must, but don't you quit!
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