I wrote this 3 months ago and to be honest, I really can't remember what bothered me so much that time. The fact is,
I admit, this feeling still bothers me up till today. The reason why I looked up for this draft is maybe because my situation today triggers the same emotions I had that day: depressed, anxious and afraid. I'm just lost and confused.
Sometimes I just feel so empty,
My head starts to ache and my heart beats weakly.
Sometimes I don't know why certain things happen without a detailed explanation.
I just feel so down and weary, so dry and useless.
I see the light but I can't reach it. I found the the pathway but couldn't tread it.
Why is everything so against my will? Why does every single thing not work out?
Another year is long enough to give in, to give up.
I mean, what's the purpose? If there's any.
I know what'll fill me up, but I guess it's just not enough.
I'm thankful, grateful and blessed but still, I can't find happiness.
When will everything be okay? When will everything be my way?
When will that feeling of being alone and poor and oppressed just go away and let me be?
Can't I just be given that freedom to be happy?
Can't I just live life with nothing to worry? Can't I?
I wanna be free from financial slavery,
I wanna study and travel the world.
I want to reach out, serve God and many, but I don't even know when that will be.
I hate the fact that I'm growing old but I still find myself useless and miserable.
Not knowing what to do -- it's just unbearable. I hate this, I hate this.
I want to write, but it's just so blurry and I couldn't get things done.
I wanna sing but there's no voice coming from within.
What should it take for me to be happy? What should I do to let go of this life so messy?
Should I stand, wait and pray? or should I move and stay away?
God, I need you now more than ever. Why can't you just let me be that happy, contented, problem -free kid that I once used to be?
I miss that child, I miss the happy and cheerful me. When will the real me come back?
Thanks for making it to this portion of the internet. I am truly grateful to each one of you for reading my entries! Most of what I've written here are unspoken words — words I wish I could've said or shared with anyone in person but has remained in my heart until I was able to write it in here.
My life's full of downs than ups, but through it all, I have seen and tasted the sweetness of God's grace and love. With that, I can tell you with a convinced heart that God is faithful, He is good and He never runs out of love for you and for me. Hope you enjoy your read(s)!
Rest if you must, but don't you quit!
The Sunday Currently vol 15 (Easter Sunday)
The changing of seasons and what it teaches us
A season of pruning and refining
3 years into blogging + things I learned and unlearned
The Sunday Currently vol. 14
Louvre Museum, Abu Dhabi