I remember, just at the beginning of this year, I was quite worried about how things will actually go and work out in my life. It was just towards the end of 2015 that I felt so uneasy and anxious when in fact, I know I shouldn't. There were just so many things happening that I wasn't aware of; and everytime I begin to think that everything is going to be fine, I just felt like it actually wasn't going to be. I guess I was just the one encouraging myself to feel better. After all, a year takes 12 months and 366 days. Things might eventually work out with that much given time. On the inside, I reckon I was a bit melancholic and desperate to go back to the life I once lived before. But on the contrary, the more I made myself look forward, the more things around me are going worst; the more I stumble going the opposite direction. It's like everything is a disaster and I couldn't just get things back up and I can't even stand back up! The feeling was horrible — I was fighting against depression and trying to overcome it by distracting myself and trying to be busy although I wasn't really focused on something yet.
The number 1 thing that kept bothering me was the fact that I just wanted to go back to studying (although I passed acceleration tests before) and move ahead and do something for myself. The terrible feeling of not being able to do what you love doing most just hit me rock bottom. But they say, things come when you least expect them. It must be true. Just at the beginning of March, through unexpected events, me and my sisters happily started to do homeschooling with some friends at church. It was undoubtedly God working behind the scenes. We expected a different thing to happen and different answers to our prayers but God who is in control over all things gave us what we needed just at the right time. Few months ago, I was also given a book to review in to finish highschool and get ready for College. I thought, why did I feel so negative when God has His own way of doing things? A little more hard work and I'm off!
For the meantime, I'm really busy catching up on how things are. Waking up early (6 am!), getting loads of reading and writing to do and worst of all, working on Maths! I super x 200000000000 hate Math but I'm just surprised that I could do things without help! And also, in homeschooling, there is no teacher. You'll have resources like videos and stuff, but the thing you'll need the most is yourself, your brain, and your determination ( with God's guidance). It is not just a normal routine of waking up early and wearing uniforms, it's more of doing your job fast- paced and the more you move quickly, the more you'll be able to catch up. There are different types of home study programs and I'm glad that we do the Eclectic one where it is a mix of the other programs ( traditional, unit studies, unschooling) and you just have the freedom to study a subject you are really interested in! To be honest, my brain got a little drained and all but it's definitely worth it. I wouldn't trade the joy of being able to study to the temporary rest that comes along in life. I don't even care if my face contains lots of 'unwanted particles' due to stress because it just reminds me that I'm doing the right thing.
When I thought that this life was just a mess, it was then that God reminded me that it isn't. I live in a world that is a mess including the circumstances I face. But my life? No. My life is a proof of God's work, of God's hand moving along it to shape me, and make me a better person. So if ever you come to think that you're so done — hold on, God is not done with you yet.
NO. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE JUST YET. IT'S THE LAST THING TO GO. WHEN YOU HAVE LOST HOPE, YOU HAVE LOST EVERYTHING. AND WHEN YOU THINK ALL IS LOST, WHEN ALL IS DIRE AND BLEAK, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.
Thanks for making it to this portion of the internet. I am truly grateful to each one of you for reading my entries! Most of what I've written here are unspoken words — words I wish I could've said or shared with anyone in person but has remained in my heart until I was able to write it in here.
My life's full of downs than ups, but through it all, I have seen and tasted the sweetness of God's grace and love. With that, I can tell you with a convinced heart that God is faithful, He is good and He never runs out of love for you and for me. Hope you enjoy your read(s)!
Rest if you must, but don't you quit!
The Sunday Currently vol 15 (Easter Sunday)
The changing of seasons and what it teaches us
A season of pruning and refining
3 years into blogging + things I learned and unlearned
The Sunday Currently vol. 14
Louvre Museum, Abu Dhabi