I grew up having trust issues. To begin with, I hated putting myself out in the public to be mentally scrutinized by people I don't even know — people I don't even give a damn about. I was afraid of talking to people and letting them know what I or my family is going through because I know that in one way or another, they wouldn't really understand us. It's tough to say but destructive stories about you can rapidly spread as if it were ice cream being given for free from Baskin Robbins. Once you become a little too comfortable, trust me, someone out of the hundreds will eventually dislike you, what you do and won't be that comfortable with you and so they decide to gossip...about you. You're on shaky ground, my friend.
I didn't like putting myself in a situation where I really had to be vulnerable because at a young age, I've experienced a lot of social stigmas found just around the corner. I grew up that way. People keep on telling me to get out of my comfort zone many times, but I wasn't really happy with the idea. Why? Because people will be people. Christian or not, Filipino or not, people will be people and gossip will be gossip. Whatever the nationality, the race or background. Minsan pa nga, yung taong inaasahan mo na makakaintindi sa'yo, yun pa yung ano, eh. Inaano ka ba?
So we're here today. Facing another challenge in life. Dealing with another social stigma. Dealing with the feeling of shame and somehow disgrace. Why? Maybe because we've become a little too comfortable to share about what's happening in our lives thinking that once and for all we could apply this verse being we're Christians: "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Rom 15:1" sensing that people will be able to understand us and pray for us. We wanted to be transparent as much as possible. We've decided to be more open to people despite the fear of being criticized. It's funny but yes, just few minutes ago, we heard some breaking news saying that we've been criticized wrongly and all the stories or lies rather, have already been shared. Shared to people who may not even know what we're going through. What's worse is that the words about us weren't even true and is so far from the truth coming from people we don't expect will do this to us. That alone irks me enough to set up this post just for this rant.
Now be kind to even tell me how to face people or do I still have the face to face them? Who knows, they may be the ones who heard that rumor? When I found out about this issue, I honestly did not know what to say. Is this happening for real? Is this really it? Is this what I feared the most? So I broke down. I was in the bathroom questioning God and myself on why this had to happen. I was stomping my foot literally whisper-shouting: "What have I left that they can't take away from me?" "Ano pa ba ang meron ako na hindi nila makukuha sa'kin?"
I lost everything today-- the hope that goodness in humanity still exists and that little bit of reputation I've been saving for a long time. You may think this is utter non-sense and over-reacting but you have to be in my shoes before you should say something about me and this.
Maybe you've experienced something similar to what I'm going through right now. Trust issues? Yes, they exist, they're real. Sometimes we think we've met the right people who we can trust about our lives and boom! Something fishy starts smelling from the background and you're hurt yet once again, and realize that you have just set yourself up for failure of getting to know the people you talk to. Big mistake, my friend! Big mistake. What do we do now? They'll say we're playing victims in this game, but that is life and so the journey on learning from your mistakes continues. Besides, whatever you do-- good or bad, people will be people. What's there left for them to take if they've already taken everything away from you? They say that trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair, which in all way possible is one of the few truths I believe in.
You know what, it's okay if they know everything about you or what really happened before they even make up their mind to gossip about you. But no! Hindi eh! It seems so unfair to be talked about when you've done or said nothing wrong naman. Just last night, I read this in my devotional by Rick Warren and shared this to my sisters which says:
IF YOU WANT TO CONNECT WITH SOMEONE, YOU'VE GOT TO BE WILLING TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP. THIS OFTEN TAKES COURAGE, WHY? BECAUSE IT'S FEAR THAT DISCONNECTS HUMAN BEINGS. WHEN WE'RE FULL OF FEAR AND ANXIETY, WE DON'T GET CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. IN FACT, WE BACK OFF. WE'RE AFRAID OF BEING REJECTED, MANIPULATED, VULNERABLE, HURT, USED. ALL OF THESE FEARS CAUSE US TO BE DISCONNECTED IN LIFE.
but I think this is so unreal in the world we live in today. Just when I decided to be more open, more sharing and now this.
To you all experiencing this same thing, I'll just leave you with an advice that my grandma always tells me. It's "do good and be good." Sabi nga nila: laban lang ng laban — kahit walang kalaban! God is good and is too wise to be mistaken. He will soon deliver you from what seems to be a dead-end.
Trust the process,
A mixture of life, love, faith, and everything in between. Welcome to my space!
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