Hello guys, hello October! It's been a week after October started and ooooff, I can't help but be excited for the start of the winter season here in the UAE *widest grin* and also, I can't help but frown a little when I think of October as my birth month. Few more days and I'll be saying goodbye to teenage years. I honestly don't know how to react to this process in life which I call 'adulting'. The stage where I slowly have to get rid of all those childish thoughts, manners, and ways of doing certain things. The idea of growing older to me, is like a pain in the butt. Seriously though, I feel like my life has been a series of disappoints and failures that I didn't really get to enjoy as much as I would have wanted life to be.
When I turned 18, I surely was happy, but I was sad too. I was still groping on the changes that were taking place at that time, especially when we moved to a new church which to me, was like leaving old friends and family behind in the hope of finding a new 'home'. I met a few people thereafter, those from the Youth Group. Unfortunately, most of the people I got to be friends with or hoped to get acquainted with left Dubai to continue their studies in their respective hometowns. To say that I was devastated would surely be an understatement. I'd rather say, I was struck with disbelief that I left my home, to be well... friendless and alone. Though I got to meet a few people and that I'm happy with the people in my life right now, the sense that I'm getting older and soon enough, I wouldn't be with my sisters anymore, makes me shiver. My sisters have found friends within their age groups, attend youth services, and join the worship team. While I on the other hand, I'm here... waiting on what life throws at me and decide whether I react to it negatively or positively, until I turned 19. ( And I'm so lazy to talk about it here, forgive me)
If I want to, there's also a group for 20s and above; the young adult group. The problem with it is that I DON'T FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH to communicate with people who are professionals, travelers and have achieved so many things in life already. I would often brainstorm whether I join or not, which resulted in me working with kids all the time. The best thing about being with kids is that they like you, whether you're a businessman or just a simple man. In the church I go to, there's a vast majority of people who have achieved so many things in life at a young age. Call me ignorant, a pessimist or a selfish person..whatever. I'd say that half of my life I spent on my insecurities. I fed it that it grew bigger and bigger -- I'm almost convinced that I am good for nothing. This blog, this is my outlet. I may not show everyone what I truly feel on the inside but here, I get to be me for awhile. I get to be Hannah who's full of worthless rants, the Hannah who's always happy but hurting deep inside. Sigh. If I could only write the real score about what's happening in my life, I would. But I AM AFRAID OF BEING JUDGED , of being TURNED AWAY and of being MISUNDERSTOOD.
Now that I'm really turning 20, I don't know what to say. Should I be happy, should I be ready for the things to come, or should I just go with the flow every time? I wanna have that sense of achievement in my life that I could finally be proud to showcase myself when anyone would ask me. Often times, I smile when people ask how I am. Deep inside, I feel lost. Not in my relationship with people nor with God. Rather, I feel lost in my own thoughts, in my own self; trapped in my cynical view of the world and how people could be merely people. People who hurt and break the trust of others and people who would look at me and say: Wow, that's great! but inside, they look at me — doubtful of my capabilities and my credibility as a person.
The truth is, I'm not ready. I'm really NOT READY in regards with so many things. Quite a few of my friends have told me that maybe I should have a boyfriend, or have a love life, get married, have a family. I'm like: I'm just 20. Too fast? Should I hold a placard that states I'm 20 and need to get married? Of course not. I may be confused with everything, but I know that there is a right time for everything --even my love life. For now, I hope things get better, problems get at least lighter and my heart stronger. I am afraid, but I know that this is just a phase in my life that will come to pass. So when October hits the 24th, I hope I'd be able to greet it with a smile and be happy for awhile. Pray for me, wish me luck and who knows what love... I mean life could bring! Haha! Thank you and sorry for sticking around with me in this very long rant of mine.
Til the next rant,
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