It has been weeks since I last wrote an entry here. Many things happened and many problems came that I couldn't find the motivation to write -- although I had so many topics on mind already. Thankfully, I've come across an article about writer's block (though I didn't hit it yet, I was just lazy) and pondered about all the advices and there's one thing that struck me the most. It was written there that the only thing that'll get me writing is actually writing and nothing else. Some of the reasons that made me lose my motivation and enthusiasm in writing is the lack of comfort that I felt .. especially about 2 weeks ago. I won't put what happened into detail but it's one event in my life that'll never escape my mind the tiniest bit. What happened was scary and life-threatening and I was afraid. Even though I know that only a few people may know about it, I feel like all the people surrounding me actually have an idea about it and I'm ashamed. I feel like I lost that little reputation I had left for myself. I resorted on deactivating my social media accounts to make sure I wouldn't be that visible out there and never edited my blog whatsoever. And I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't because I didn't want to. I couldn't because I didn't want to welcome any more questions. I couldn't because I've put up walls that I, myself, could not break.
On those two weeks, the conversations that I and my sisters always had was about accountability and it's coincidence that it was also one of their youth discussion at church. All these time, we asked ourselves like "shouldn't we open up?" and come up with the answer "maybe no, we'll be judged", "we'll be misunderstood". After all, "NOT EVERYONE will understand us". I always tell my sisters however, to appreciate and treasure the friendships that they have, but how will a friendship grow when you don't even want to open up to the point that people will keep asking 'til you're tired of anwering? Friendship is a two- way communication. You get to know each other better by telling them about yourselves, by sharing information about you, by letting them IN your safe zone. My sisters often urge me to make friends, to hang out with people, to simply start a conversation. If you've seen me, you'd notice that among me and my sisters, I'm the one who speaks less and have a metaphorically speaking, dead social life. I know I am capable of making friends, but a lot of factors get in the way. People think that I'm holding on to my precious comfort zone. To be honest, I was such a vocal girl even at school back then. My teachers praised me for it. No joke! But now, things changed and maybe I feel a lot safer when I don't speak a lot. Well, I've had best friends who knew everything about me and never did I feel as though I were judged. But we were young back then, what's there to judge? Now, our family's been through a lot and it's accurate to say that we've incessantly put up walls thinking we're secure — pretending we're okay, even though at times, we're not.
We believed it was the better option. Until we noticed how people felt awkward when talking to us. How they get that we're not comfortable when we were asked about something. How they wanted to know more about us but there was unconsciously something that hindered them. How they sometimes misinterpret our body language for being mad, sad, rude, snobbish etc. You may think "Oh, how serious they are about this being judged thing" but mind you, we wouldn't even begin talking about it if we hadn't, in the first place, experienced it. Going back to accountability, I just can't get off the thought of how pleasant it would be when you're free to talk about yourself without the fear of anything. When you're simply being your bubbly/ hyper self and you won't just care about what people will say. When you've got people you can call friends and who you can trust fully no matter what. Sadly, we haven't gotten to that point and came across a solution, but there are a lot of questions at the back of our minds.
How much of yourself are you willing to share to the world? How much information about yourself are you willing to tell others about. To what degree are you willing to risk your "safety"? And if you don't consider any of it, how many potential, long-time friendships are you willing to lose along the way?
How risky is it?
I'm just an ordinary girl who loves to write
But a mist
Life is but a handful of rambutan // Show me who You are
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The Sunday Currently | 12
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