Death is unforgiving. Death is frustrating. Death is depressing.
We all deal with struggles each and everyday. Struggles that we think we can overcome and eventually did, though there are just some days when we feel the need to just cry our emotions and feelings out. Especially when it comes to a death of someone special.
So far, I have only experienced three deaths that made me feel like "this is too painful for me to bear" or "I can't take this anymore".
The first one is when my grandma died years ago which made me beyond sad and feel really sorry for my mom. The next one is my cat Anta's death. I'm telling you, I have cried so much and grieved for his loss for about two weeks. Now comes the hardest.
Last August 1, my favorite and who I consider as my one and only dog, Smally has passed away due to complications of old age. Smally has been our family dog for ten years. We had Smally in the early months of 2006. She was then about two or three years old: I was about nine and a half. She was actually my mom's friend's pet. The first time I saw her, she was outside in a garden – jumping, barking, and reaching out to us as she was in a cage. At that time, I and my sisters were afraid of dogs. And even if she was tiny, she was something that frightened us because she did bark so loudly. Funny thing is, my dad really liked her and persuaded my mom's friend for us to have her. At first, my dad didn't get his requests, but after a few more visits my dad devised a really good plan. In our last visit, I wasn't that afraid anymore, but my sisters... they were still crying. So my dad, who's really smart told that friend of ours that my sisters were crying because they really wanted Smally as our pet. Smart, huh? So that's the story of how we got Smally. After a few days with us, she was no longer a stranger to us and us to her. She became our best friend and eventually the youngest in our family. She's really hard to replace as she didn't bark when there's no emergency – which really made her so trustworthy and very-bodyguard like. She was affectionate and really pleased everyone. Albeit she was small and considered 'useless' to non- pet lovers, to us she was more than just a pet. If only I can write about all our good memories with her, but I'm sure the internet would have a limit . Though blind on her left eye, she was as joyful as any dog who could see with both eyes.
Smally is just Smally.
Her death has made me feel so horrible for the past days as I tend to see her in any and every corner of our house and wish that she was here with me today as I'm writing this – looking at me from time to time. * sheds tears* At night, I would always hear her breathing and her snoring, but now that she's gone, I always feel like I'm hearing a lot of different noises all around me and imagine that it was Smally. Acceptance is indeed the hardest, and to be honest, I'm still going through the five stages towards acceptance.
DENIAL - Upon hearing my mom call out from the room (while we were all watching TV ) telling us that Smally's dead, I was instantly shocked. I continuously thought that Smally would still see two years of her life and get to be with us. So I just went inside the room. I looked at Smally and patted her warm head for one last time which eventually brought out my hurling emotions and made me burst out into tears. That moment of seeing her lifeless body was unbelievable. If only it was a dream.
ANGER -Initially, my next reaction to Smally's death which didn't happen overnight was that feeling of never wanting another dog, "I will never adopt another one and I will never want too see any dog again." I was in fact too angry to accept what was right in front of me so I opted out on being mad at everything and everyone.
BARGAINING and DEPRESSION - These are the steps I sadly believe I'm in right now. I still find it so hard to look around the house not seeing any Smally anywhere. For one last time, I prayed to just see her and touch her and I'll do everything just for her to be alive and kicking once again. I even prayed to God for everything to be a dream. I just need to see her! I need to hear her snores, her tummy sounds and hug her close to me. I sure loved that dog! Now, on the depressing part, well, I am. I just know I am. I'm even not in the mood to smile, eat, shower or anything. I can't even think of doing other things and focus on them than to search for memories with Smally. I don't know why, I guess this is just the way I seem to react to the situation and hopefully cope up with it.
ACCEPTANCE - I don't know when, but by God's grace I keep on praying for comfort. After all, no human words can heal pain. It is only God who can make something beautiful out of something we'd think as tragic and sometimes meaningless.
Smally's death by far has become the hardest for me. Some of you may think that I'm over-reacting and being too emotional for useless things, but mind you, pain comes in all forms. Maybe it's different for you and I'm telling you, it's different for me too. After all, it takes one genuine pet lover to know the feelings of another pet lover too. It takes one to know one!
P.S. Smally, you have been my stress- reliever for so many years and have gone through the bumpy rides of life with us. I will miss you forever and love you as always or even more. Enjoy your stay in doggy heaven! *sheds even more tears*
Smally! Ahhh, ahh, ahhhh!
A mixture of life, love, faith, and everything in between. Welcome to my space!
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